Family and Relationship Problems

Difficulties take many forms: repeated arguments, loss of trust, poor communication, drifting apart, an affair, different expectations about money, work, children, sex, religion or where to live.

Problems can also arise from financial pressure and debt, illness, caring responsibilities, bereavement, addiction, blended families and step-parenting, conflict with in-laws, disagreements between adult siblings about a parent’s care or inheritance, and long periods of estrangement where relatives no longer speak at all.

None of these means somebody has failed. Many people go through them, and practical support exists at every stage.

Arguments and disagreements happen in most relationships. Abuse is different. Fear, intimidation, threats, violence, sexual coercion, monitoring, isolation and control over money or movement are not ordinary disagreements, and they are not something that both people are equally responsible for resolving.

Joint counselling and mediation are only appropriate where both people can take part freely and safely. Where there is abuse or coercive control, being in the same room, or negotiating directly, can increase the danger. Speak to a specialist domestic-abuse service first.

If safety requires it, act now and get specialist help. Otherwise, it is usually worth gathering information before doing anything that cannot be undone.

Useful things to understand first: your housing position, what money and debts are in joint names, how benefits might change, what arrangements might work for children and pets, and what a solicitor or advice service says about your particular circumstances. Decisions made in one difficult evening can be hard to reverse.

Where a conversation is safe, these steps can help:

• Choose a time when neither of you is exhausted, drinking or rushing out.
• Describe specific behaviour and its effect, rather than character (“when plans change without telling me, I feel…”).
• Say plainly what you would like to change, and ask what they would like.
• Listen without interrupting, even if you disagree.
• Avoid threats, insults, ultimatums and raking over old arguments.
• Agree in advance a way to pause: a phrase, a break, another day.
• Do not argue in front of children, and do not ask them to take sides.

These suggestions are only appropriate when the conversation is safe. If you are afraid of the other person’s reaction, get specialist advice instead.

Couples counselling involves both partners working with a counsellor on how they communicate and what they want. Family counselling may include parents, adult children or other relatives together. Individual counselling is for one person, whatever the other person decides to do.

Counselling is not only for relationships that are ending. Some people use it to separate more calmly, or to understand their own part in repeated difficulties.

Relate provides relationship counselling and information across much of the UK. Fees, waiting times and what is available locally differ, so check directly.

Counselling and mediation normally need willing participation from everyone involved. Nobody can be made to attend.

That does not leave you without options. One person alone can get individual counselling, legal advice, a benefits check, housing advice, parenting support or help from a family or peer-support service. Working on your own position often changes what happens next.

Relationship difficulty affects sleep, appetite, concentration and physical health. Try to keep some routine, eat and sleep as regularly as you can, and stay in contact with at least one person you trust.

Speak to your GP if low mood, anxiety or sleeplessness continues, or if you are relying on alcohol or drugs to cope. Increased drinking or drug use during a crisis is common, and help is available without judgement.

This is your decision, and nobody else can make it for you. It may help to work through what you actually know about each of these, and where you need advice:

• Safety, for you and for anybody else in the household.
• Housing: who has a legal right to live where, and what happens next.
• Children: schooling, routines, time with each parent, who cares for whom.
• Money coming in, and how bills would be paid.
• Benefits and tax credits, and what a change of circumstances would mean.
• Debts, especially joint debts and joint accounts.
• Important documents: identity, immigration, tenancy, mortgage, insurance.
• Pets, and who can realistically care for them.
• Emotional support: who you can talk to.
• Legal advice about your own circumstances.

This page does not tell anybody whether to stay or separate, and reconciliation is not always possible, wise or safe.

• Keep your identity documents, bank details, tenancy or mortgage papers and benefit letters somewhere you can reach them.
• Change passwords and check what devices, accounts and location settings other people can see. If you are worried about being monitored, get specialist safety advice before changing anything.
• Check what is in joint names: accounts, overdrafts, loans, credit cards, utilities and the tenancy or mortgage.
• Write down what has been agreed, with dates, and keep messages about arrangements.
• Work out where you and any children will sleep this week, and get housing advice early.

Do not empty joint accounts, take somebody else’s money or property, or shut another person out of essential belongings or medication. That can be unlawful and can damage your position later. Get advice first.

Legal rights can differ a great deal depending on the type of relationship. Married couples and civil partners have rights in relation to property, pensions, inheritance and financial arrangements on separation that unmarried couples living together generally do not have in the same way.

There is no such thing as “common-law marriage” in the UK. Living together for a long time does not by itself create the rights of a spouse or civil partner. If you are not married or in a civil partnership, get advice about your own position, particularly about the home.

The legal process differs between England and Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland, including the grounds, the paperwork, the timescales and how financial matters are dealt with. Use the route for where you live, and take advice before agreeing a financial settlement.

Children usually cope better when the adults keep conflict away from them and keep daily life as predictable as possible: the same school, familiar routines, and clear information about what will happen next.

Explain things simply and honestly at a level that matches the child’s age, make clear the separation is not their fault, and let them love both parents. Listen to their worries without making them choose sides, do not use them to carry messages, and do not ask them to report what happens in the other home.

Arrangements may cover where a child lives, how much time they spend with each parent, school, health care, holidays and travel. Many families agree arrangements without going to court, sometimes with the help of a mediator.

Where decisions are made formally, the child’s welfare is central. The court systems and their terminology are not the same in England and Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland, so use the information for your own nation.

General encouragement for children to keep a relationship with both parents does not override safeguarding. Where there is domestic abuse, harm to a child, neglect, untreated substance misuse, serious mental-ill health that is not being managed, or a risk that a child may be taken away, get specialist advice before agreeing arrangements.

If you believe a child is at immediate risk, call 999. Otherwise contact children’s social care at the council, or the Health and Social Care Trust in Northern Ireland, and take legal advice.

A mediator is neutral. They help people discuss practical arrangements for children, money or property, and try to reach an agreement. A mediator does not take sides, does not impose a decision and does not provide relationship counselling or legal advice.

Mediation is not suitable in every case. Where there has been domestic abuse, coercive control, or a serious imbalance of power or information, it may be unsafe or unfair. Say so when you are screened for suitability; you do not have to explain it to the other person.

Child maintenance is regular financial support towards a child’s everyday living costs, usually paid by the parent the child does not mainly live with. It is a separate matter from decisions about contact: maintenance is not payment for time with a child, and contact should not be withheld over money.

Parents can agree arrangements privately or use the statutory service. The arrangements differ between Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

Consider joint accounts and overdrafts, loans and credit cards, rent or mortgage payments, household bills, savings, pensions, vehicles and possessions. Responsibility for a joint debt usually rests with both people, whoever spent the money.

Who owns what, and what each person is entitled to, can be complicated, especially with a home, a business or a pension. Do not sign anything transferring property or agreeing a financial settlement without advice.

Separating, somebody moving in or out, a change in who cares for a child, or a change in household income may all need to be reported to the office paying your benefits. Reporting late can cause overpayments that must be repaid.

Entitlement depends on individual circumstances, so get a full benefits check rather than assuming what you will or will not receive.

Your position depends on whether you rent or own, whose name is on the tenancy or mortgage, and the law where you live. Joint tenants normally both have rights and both remain liable for the rent. A council or housing association may be able to advise on the tenancy.

If you have nowhere safe to stay, the council has homelessness duties, and there are separate arrangements in each UK nation. Ask for help before you become homeless rather than afterwards.

Unless safety requires you to leave now, do not give up a tenancy, remove your name from it, move out permanently or sign any property document without understanding the consequences. Take advice first.

Plan for the animal’s immediate safety and daily care first. Then gather what shows ownership and responsibility: purchase or adoption records, microchip registration details, insurance, and the veterinary history and vaccination records.

Think honestly about ongoing costs, space, time and who the animal is settled with, and put any agreement about care, costs and visits in writing. Pets are treated as property in law, which can be distressing, so try to agree arrangements rather than fight over them.

Contact between parents and adult children, between siblings, or across the wider family sometimes stops altogether, gradually or after one serious event. Estrangement is more common than people think, and it is rarely simple.

It is reasonable to set boundaries about contact, and it is reasonable to grieve a relative who is still alive. If contact from a relative is unwanted, frightening or persistent, keep a record and get advice; harassment and stalking are not acceptable within families either.

Reconciliation is not always possible, and it is not always safe or desirable. Support is available whichever way things go.

Grandparents, aunts, uncles and other relatives often lose contact with children after a separation. Grandparents do not have an automatic legal right to contact anywhere in the UK, and the routes for asking a court to consider contact differ between England and Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland.

Where it is safe, a calm approach to the parents, or mediation, usually achieves more than a formal step. Get advice about your own nation before assuming what a court can or will do.

Same-sex and other LGBTQ+ relationships face the same ordinary difficulties as any other, and sometimes additional ones: fear of being outed at work or to family, rejection by relatives, pressure from a community, or an abusive partner using someone’s identity, HIV status or immigration status against them.

Specialist services understand these situations and can help without assumptions. Galop supports LGBT+ people experiencing abuse anywhere in the UK.

Long-term illness, disability, communication needs and caring responsibilities can put real strain on relationships, particularly where one person depends on the other for personal care or money, or where services are inaccessible.

Practical help often reduces the pressure more than talking does: an assessment, equipment, a break from caring, accessible information or an advocate who can put your views across.

Family, cultural and religious expectations matter to many people, and they can also make difficulties harder to talk about: fear of shame, pressure from relatives abroad, or the loss of a whole community if a relationship ends.

Expectations never justify abuse, threats, forced marriage, so-called honour-based abuse, or taking away an adult’s freedom to decide who they marry or whether they stay. Nobody has the right to make that decision for another adult, and specialist help exists.

Listen more than you advise. Take what they tell you seriously, do not minimise it, and avoid telling them what they should do about their relationship.

Do not carry messages between two people who are in conflict; it usually makes matters worse and puts you in the middle. Instead, help them find professional advice, offer practical help such as childcare or a lift, and keep in touch.

If you believe a child or a vulnerable adult is unsafe, act: contact children’s or adult social care, or call 999 in an emergency. Look after your own wellbeing too.

Keep a simple, factual record: dates, what was agreed, what happened, and who was there. Keep messages about arrangements, and note money paid or received.

Written interim arrangements about children, bills or belongings reduce misunderstandings. Be aware that an informal written agreement is not necessarily legally binding, so take advice if something important depends on it.

A solicitor who deals with family law can explain your position and options. Some offer a fixed-fee first appointment. Citizens Advice, Advice NI and Law Centres give free, independent advice, and legal aid may be available depending on your circumstances, the type of case and where you live.

Sixpence Support UK does not provide legal advice and cannot say what a court would decide.

Family law follows the England and Wales system. Use GOV.UK for divorce, child arrangements and homelessness help, your council for housing and children’s services, Citizens Advice for free advice, and the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 where there is abuse.

Scotland has its own family law, court system and legal aid arrangements, and the terminology is different. Use mygov.scot, a Scottish solicitor and your local Citizens Advice bureau. For abuse, call the Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline on 0800 027 1234.

Family law follows the England and Wales system, but housing, social services and some support arrangements are devolved. Use GOV.WALES and Welsh services for housing and social care, and Live Fear Free on 0808 80 10 100 for abuse.

Northern Ireland has separate family law, courts, legal aid and child-maintenance arrangements, and health and social care is delivered through Trusts rather than councils. Do not rely on England-only information. For abuse, call the Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline on 0808 802 1414.